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Drowning!!!
02:02 Sep 26 2007
Times Read: 650






It's what I feel like most days. It's such a struggle to get thru a day. I want to see it end before it even starts. If things get much worse, I'm going to be beyond caring if I leave loved ones behind. I can't seem to deal with this stuff anymore. I want to just give up. I know they will survive without me. I've done it, so can they. I know I'm being selfish. But right now, this is how I feel.

I'm tired of fighting to stay afloat.

I'm tired of worrying about which bill to get paid.

I'm tired of worrying about where the next dollar will come from.

I'm just plain tired anymore...



Finally got the car out of the shop. Lot of good it did me.

Got the electric bill paid, now I have to get the cell phone paid. And the house phone, and the credit card and the loan payment and I need gas for next week. And I need shampoo and dish detergent. And I need toliet paper and laundy soap. We're out of bread and almost out of eggs. *blank stare*

I want to give up so bad.



I basically work for free. I pay the bills, I pay gas, nothing left over...



Although we did go to the movies last weekend. But I knew if we didn't, we'd be going stir crazy. Less then 20, and ya it could of went on the soap and such, but my god, I work day in and day out and if I can't enjoy even that little bit, why should I even bother? I'd be better off 6 feet under and put the worries on someone elses shoulders.



I can't do it anymore!!!



Andy, Jessica and Brianna are all that keep me going right now. And I know the way I feel isn't fair to any of them. And no one knows I feel this way but me. And it's eating me alive...



With all the bills, and Andy's medical problems, I feel as if I'm a sinking ship bound for the bottom!!!

*sigh*
00:51 Sep 18 2007
Times Read: 654

I have no clue why I always let my mind override my thinking process. It's driving me insane and I don't know how to stop it. I need help, I just don't know how to go about it. One minute I'm fine and happy and the next I just want to sit down and cry. I'm tired of felling this way. I'm tired of doubts creeping in destroying what little peace my mind will give me.

Fateful day long ago!!!
02:17 Sep 10 2007
Times Read: 657

On Jan 3rd of 2003 when things came to a head, I ended up back at the bottom, and I feel as if I am starting over again. I felt the depression come back on me hard and fast. Loss of energy, appitite. No interest in any of the things I like to do.



Here is what I can remember after the cops arrived. I think my protection mode took over and I was no longer the woman I am. My husband was sitting in the house and I stepped out onto the step holding the door closed. One of the cops that came happen to be a friend of mine. I could tell he was upset at how I looked but I told him to get off my land and that they wasn't coming into my house. He kepted talking to me, telling me they were going to arrest him. I said no, you're not going in my house to just get off my land. I think I had a few cuss words in there. At that time my husband opened the door and the cops plowed through me, hitting my arm on the metal frame of the door. As they had him up against the wall to handcuff him, I attacked them and started yelling no. Although this man had basically beaten me black and blue I was still trying to protect him. Why do you ask? I have no clue. I just felt the need to protect. He wasn't resisting arrest. My cop friend finally twisted my arm and got me off of them, and I went to the couch, and bowed my head down so no one could see me. I just kepted telling them to get off my land and out of my house. While they were outside, I decided to take a nerve pill because I was over the edge. I took a handful and held onto the bottle. Thinking that wasn't enough I took some more. I wanted to be numb. I didn't want to feel anything. I still had the bottle in my hand when my sister in law came in. She seen the bottle and left. When she left I hid it because I knew the cops would be back in. They ask me if I took any pills. I basically ignored them. When they started walking away, I grab the bottle and took another handful. They happen to see me and wrestled the bottle away from me. They kepted asking me how many I took and I told them 3. They walked out and I went to my bedroom, and sit next to my door. I seen my work bag sitting there and feeling like the pills weren't helping me I took some tylenol pm. All I wanted to do was sleep. I could hear them outside my door trying to talk to me and I told them to just leave me alone. They even brought my husband in to try and talk to me. I think about that time the pills started to take effect. I remember pulling a coat off a hangar because I was cold. I don't even remember getting into my bed. At this time, they went to my sisters to get her to help me. So some of this story will be what people told me. She found me in my bed, and she told me I was going to the hospital, no if's and's or butt's about it. I don't even remember going to her truck, or the ride to the hospital. I do remember walking in and them saying is that Barbara. After that all I remember is bits and pieces. I can remember them saying my name and I'd open my eyes and see various people. And I remember being strapped down. That got me. I recall fighting them until I went back to sleep. And at one time I threw up and it was black. That freaked me out. Because I had no idea why it was black until later. They had to stabalize me before they could transport me to another hospital and spend the night in icu. I was told if my sister hadn't gotten me to the hospital I wouldn't have made it. I didn't want to intentionally kill myself. I just wanted to sleep until this all went away. My husband was in jail worried sick about me and I had no clue as what was going on. But to think how close I came has taught me a lesson. I guess I deserved it. People are going to care whether I want them too are not.



I talk more about that day later. Don't want to overload this place.



Until next time my friends...Think of me...Thinking of you

o_O
19:15 Sep 02 2007
Times Read: 661


This Soul is Protected By Wolvie